What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
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