Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
