I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
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The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
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If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize