Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
