You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
