just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
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Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
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If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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