This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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