I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
