You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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