It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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