The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
