in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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