i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize