The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
