The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
