I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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