weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
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