I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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