I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
