Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she told me i tasted like america
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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