Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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