Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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