He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
