By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
