She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
