White coat. Heels.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
