forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
