my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
