Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
