I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so let's talk penis.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
What changed your mind?
Being sober
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Randomize
