I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
