I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
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You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
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Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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