Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Let's get the cat blown out
Sext me about skeletons