so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
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Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?