where does the pee come out of this thing
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
This toilet bowl is my home.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
