He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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