we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
