I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Randomize
