in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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