I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
