I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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