he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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