Umm I'm too high to move.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
