Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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