I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
