dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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