I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
