I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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