you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
