South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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