Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
