Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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