my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
