After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
