The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
