I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
