Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
